“No” Is Unavoidable

Wouldn’t it be great if we could say “yes” to everything and everyone? Yes, to joining every event. Yes, to living near everyone we love and like. Yes, to eating every kind of food and still yes to good health(!) Yes, and only yes. After all, having a “yes” face is a lot more pleasant than looking like the guy with the “No!” sign in front on his desk! But sadly, we can’t avoid saying “no”, because every “yes” is a “no” to something or someone else.

We just don’t want to admit it, because we want to be everywhere, do everything, and be with everyone—at the same time! We want it all. The problem is, we can’t have, be, or do it all.

• We can only attend one event at a time.
• We can only listen to one person at a time.
• We can only concentrate on one thing at a time (even when we’re multitasking).
• We can only be in one place at a time.

In other words, time, energy, resources, and attention spent one way means it isn’t/wasn’t spent another way.

Have you ever had to choose between a key organizational meeting and your child’s concert or sports game? Or been in a group where two people are talking and trying to get your attention at the same time? Or trying to write a report while participating in an online meeting (admit it!)? Or had to tell someone “I’ll be there in spirit” because your body couldn’t clone itself to be in two different locations?

I have, and I hate it! Recently, after a series of boring, uneventful, Saturdays, I had to choose between being at two special events that had been planned for the same day at exactly the same timeframe (2pm-5pm). One was our church picnic. The other was a national cultural festival of my adopted homeland where I met the Lord. Both groups matter a lot to me. Both involved key relationships. Both only happen once a year. Both involved good food and fun. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go to even part of one and part of the other because of the distance between them and my husband needed to be the whole time at the picnic, since he’s the pastor!

The key concept here is choice. That’s easy when one alternative is obviously more or less interesting, necessary, useful, desirable, or beneficial than the other. But what if both represent something and/or someone really important to and even loved by us? Then how do we choose? As believers, we want to do the Lord’s will, but how do we discern that?

First, by recognizing we really do have to choose. “Yes” to one is “no” to the other.

Second, ask which would be worse to say “no” to this time. That depends on a lot of factors—long-term implications, personal values, who’s making the request on either side, etc. It also depends on how many times we’ve already said “no” to that, and what effect another “no” would have.

Third, ask ourselves whether there will be another opportunity for either one, or is this “now or never”. Can we take the next opportunity if there is one?

Fourth, if “never”, ask ourselves how much it matters to lose this opportunity.

Finally, and most importantly, which has the greater eternal value, the greater “EROI”—eternal return on investment? Given all of the above, I chose to go to the church picnic, and enjoyed it. Then I had to decide that even though I was missing something else great, it would only be worse to regret it or wish I could’ve been there. The yes/no had been said. “Just say a simple ‘Yes, I will’, or “No, I won’t…” (Mat. 5:37).

Trust the Lord, and He’ll show us the right “yes” vs. “no”. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Prov. 3:5-6

Part of trusting Him includes knowing that if we put Him first, He’ll take care of everything else that matters.

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Mat. 6:33). Including the “yes”s we really needed to say!

Sure, we disappoint ourselves and others when we say “no”, and most of us don’t like that. But we’ll spare ourselves a lot of stress by admitting we can’t avoid it. Thankfully the opposite is also true—our “no”s are “yes”s elsewhere—hopefully to whatever is better and more eternally valuable. For example, the “no” we say to that networking event can be “yes” to joining our kids on a fun outing.

Who or what do you need to say “yes” to today by saying “no” to something else? Say “yes” to what really matters by saying “no” to something that matters less.

The Stone on Top of the Stack

The stone on top of the stack isn’t the biggest one. Nor is it necessarily the most beautiful. In fact, it’s there because of the bigger ones supporting it underneath. Likewise, a higher position doesn’t equal a superior person.

Human nature and every culture think it does. We assume that just because someone has risen in the ranks of whatever organization, corporation, or group they’re in, it must mean they’re better. Expressions such as “Cream rises to the top” serve to reinforce this impression.

Let’s examine this further:

First, ask “how did they get there?” (to that high position). If they used unscrupulous means, they’re actually worse, when it comes to character! And there’s no evidence of anything better than us. If it was by “luck” or however we interpret things that seem to have no reason behind them, then it’s nothing of their own doing, and therefore doesn’t qualify them as “better”. If someone helped them, give credit to the helper, not the recipient.

If they got there by having the right and relevant skills, that only means they’re better at something, not inherently better. They discovered and made the most and best of their natural talents, abilities, and acquired skills. That makes them someone to learn from. If they have good character as well, that makes them great role models and mentors. Plus, it shows good judgment on the part of whoever promoted them. But again, they weren’t created better.

Second, how do we define value? By what we do? By what we’ve accomplished? By how often we win? By how big a fish we are in how big a pond? If that’s the case, we’re all in trouble, because there will always be bigger fish and bigger ponds, someone who does more, gets more accolades, wins more, etc. And what happens when we can no longer accomplish or win anything, when we “shrink” as it were?

Or when someone’s situation and/or circumstances change? Every senior in high school that goes to college becomes a lowly freshman again, even the class president! Even execs can find themselves unemployed if their company fails or the economy goes bust. Does that make the now-freshman or now-unemployed suddenly inferior?

If our value and worth come from our position, we’re all in trouble. If they come from the reality that “all [people] are created equal”, then we’re safe, because we’ll never lose that. Those in lower positions need never feel their time, talents, treasures, or personhood matter less. Those in higher positions can stay humble and stress less over keeping up appearances or losing their value if they lose their position.

Yes, aspire to be and do great things. Aspire to leadership—for greater service, not because it makes us superior to others. You may be the stone on top of the stack, but you got there by the support of bigger rocks!

It helps to remember this when we think about talking to those in high positions of leadership, and/or when we enter their presence. Recently a coaching client and I were talking about her anxiety about messaging or meeting with senior leaders.  She was preparing for an upcoming 30-minute meeting with one, and told me, “I’m afraid I might waste their time. Their time is so valuable!”

“I get that, not wanting to waste anyone’s time”, I affirmed. “I don’t want to waste anyone’s time either. Do you consider your own time valuable?”

“Yeah, but…” As we talked more, it became clear that she considered higher-level people’s time more valuable than hers because they themselves had more value due to their position.

We examined the validity of that concept, and I helped her see that everyone’s time is valuable because everyone is valuable. So, while not wanting to waste someone’s time is very considerate and kind, that applies to everyone we meet with, not just high-up leaders. At the same time, it also takes the pressure off and anxiety away when we meet with them, knowing we meet as equals in terms of value, and each has something to offer the other.

After all, (as I told my client), “We all put our trousers on one leg at a time”. Even those of us who wear designer clothing!

James 1:9-11 gives us perspective: “Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position.But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wildflower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls, and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.”

What if we are one of those in a high position of leadership? A humble mindset, recognizing we all have equal value and importance, helps us lead well and gain true respect from our followers. It also informs us how to treat others.

“My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, ‘Here’s a good seat for you,’ but say to the poor man, ‘You stand there’ or ‘Sit on the floor by my feet,’ have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?” James 2:1-4

That kind of favoritism and discrimination occur when we assume that “higher is better”.

But each of us are made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27). Regardless of our position or the clothes that come with it, we’re His Designer product. Regardless of our shape, size, or position in the stack!

How Much Are You Worth?

My son recently posted a video about what he considered “a brilliant marketing plan”.  In it, Hollywood stars and other celebrities were trying on “designer footwear” at a newly-opened shoe-store called “Palessi”.  Between the Italian name and a lot of media hype, the buzz had it that this was the place to obtain the trendiest, highest-quality footwear out there.  Celebrities boldly stated, when interviewed, that they would gladly pay up to $500 for some of these pairs of shoes, and certainly no less than $200.  Which they did, and proudly displayed to the viewing public.

Imagine their shock and chagrin when the parent company revealed their name and the true source of these shoes– “Palessi” was really Payless (Shoes)!  And the entire stock was identical to that you’d find in any Payless Shoe store.  Imagine the reactions of the celebrities when they found out! (Maybe they should start a new show and call it Sole Survivor)

By the way, Payless returned all the money to the buyers, and let them keep the shoes.  But why was this marketing plan so brilliant?  Besides all the publicity gained, Payless had succeeded in demonstrating that their shoes were such high-quality, they could pass for designer brand.  They had gotten their message across: “If you’re willing to pay such high prices for these shoes, why not get them at good prices at Payless?  Why pay more for just a name?”

Why indeed?  Because people automatically attach higher worth to famous-name brand products.  Jeans with certain labels sewn on them can go for ten times more than those without.  Sometimes this reputation is earned for good reason, and we do well to note who the maker is, especially when it truly means a difference in quality.  Other times, there’s no difference.  It’s all in the name.

Which leads to the question—how much are WE each worth?  Does our maker increase or decrease our value?  If so, it matters who made us.  If we were just slapped together by shoddy workmanship, we wouldn’t be worth much.  Especially if the maker had a bad reputation.  Or, (worse yet), if all our parts had come together by random chance, like an explosion in a factory, who knows what the final product would be?  I don’t think anyone would attribute much worth to it, though.

When it comes to human (and all) life, the maker does matter.   His character, workmanship, and reputation does count.  Thankfully we didn’t get thrown together by shoddy workers or random chance.  We have the top Maker in the universe!  We, all people, are the ultimate Designer Brand product!   We are “made in His image” (Gen. 1:27).  His label is in our genes! 🙂

What does this mean?  First, it means we are top-quality in the way we were created—“God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.”  (Gen. 1:31)  What we do with what He made—us– is up to us, but it started out perfect.

Second, we were created with loving care, each detail designed and carried out with the best outcome in mind.  “For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Ps. 139:13)  The word “knit” evokes a picture of both carefulness and design, with loving hands bringing it forth—like a grandma knitting hats for all her grandkids to keep warm in the winter.  The more the love, the higher the value.

Third, “^…we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Eph. 2:10).  The word “handiwork”, also translated “workmanship” comes from the original Greek “poema”, from where we get our English word “poem”.  We poets and songwriters put our best thoughts possible into each one, to convey the deepest, most valuable, meaning possible.  That is, if we’re serious about it.  God is.  And since He’s perfect, He makes us with the best thoughts possible, for the best possible value and meaning.

But it doesn’t stop there.  Look at the implications—not just how we were made, but why—“to do good works”—for a well-planned purpose!  How can anyone really appreciate the value of a pair of shoes until they wear them?   Our intrinsic value is demonstrated by blessing others.  Not that it gives us more worth, it just spreads it into others’ lives.

On the practical level, something is considered worth what people are willing to pay for it.  We saw this with the “Palessi” shoes experiment.   Be reassured—the Ruler of the universe was willing to pay the ultimate price to redeem us.  So, we’re not only Designer Brand products, we’ve been bought and paid for by the top “Celebrity”!

Which makes our worth a real “shoe-in”.  Let’s walk in that reality!