What Happens If It Doesn’t

What happens if it doesn’t happen? Sometimes we need to let it.

You know the scenario—either you or someone else says, “If I don’t do this, it won’t happen.” That may be true. If you don’t take the initiative, take ownership, take responsibility, the work may not get done, the hoped-for event may not happen, something won’t get taken care of.

Now, ask yourself this question— “What happens if it doesn’t happen?” If that means disaster, then you’ll have to step in and make sure nothing drops.

But what if it falls far short of the Apocalypse if that thing doesn’t happen? Better yet, what if it not happening produces a greater good as a result?

Or, what if we find out we’re wrong? What if someone else does the work? Years ago, my “adopted mom”, a very kind and capable, servant-hearted, woman, lamented to me about no one but her stepping up to spearhead the monthly church charity-lunches held on behalf of the community. Others were discovering that there is such a thing as a free lunch, at least for them, but not for her (or whoever paid for the food)!

I responded, “Maybe no one else is stepping up because they know you’ll always do it for them.” “Yes, but if I don’t do it, it won’t happen!”  That’s the common plight and slogan of get-it-done people everywhere, in every nation, tribe, organization, corporation, and family.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe you’re right if you’re this person—the only one taking ownership. In that case, let me suggest ways to get out of this perpetual scenario (once you’re sure the world and/or your job won’t end if it doesn’t get done):

Let people know you can’t do it. Tell them you don’t have the capacity, time, energy, resources, to be in charge. You can offer to help (if you’d like) and advise but not be responsible.

Ask for volunteers to take on that role, or if possible, assign someone. Delegate. If you hesitate to do this, ask yourself why. Are you afraid the job won’t get done right if you don’t do it? Not keeping our hands on something means giving up control. Giving up control requires trust in whoever we give responsibility (and therefore control) to. Yes, that can be scary. Especially if you’re used to being the one in charge.

But if we want relief, we have to trust someone else with the process and the product. Just ask Moses in the Bible. He was overwhelmed and overburdened with taking care of a million contentious Israelites. “If I don’t do it, it won’t happen!” Finally, his father-in-law Jethro talked sense into him and got him to trust some others with judging disputes and taking care of other matters. (See Exod. 18:13-26) That’s how we got our current court system in the U.S., which works much better than sending everything straight to the Supreme Court.

Ultimately, we have to trust the Lord Himself to make happen whatever needs to happen. We do this by:

1. Knowing Who He is—His character— All powerful, all good, holy, loving, etc. All of Scripture demonstrates and states this.

2. Remembering what He’s done—His track record. For example—

“Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Ps. 103:2-5

3. Remembering we’re not Him— when we feel like everything will drop and cease functioning without us, remind ourselves there’s only one Messiah needed in the universe, and He came over two thousand years ago!

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Is. 9:6

With all this in mind, don’t worry! Instead, anticipate these possible positive results:

1. Someone else will step up and you’ll be relieved of overwhelm and extra burden.

2. Whoever steps up will appreciate having the opportunity. As long as you were occupying that space of leadership/ownership/getting-it-done, others didn’t see any room for them. Now that space is free, and someone is glad to step in.

3. Maybe no one can or will do that work and you’ll be right, “it” won’t happen—but now you can ask yourself if it needed to! If no one cares enough to get it done, maybe it’s not so vital.

4. What if it really did need to happen? Everyone will discover that when it doesn’t, and it’s not your fault! Next time, someone else will make sure it does, because people won’t just depend on you. You did, after all, let them know. Lesson learned. As long as your not-doing didn’t cause the downfall of the company, the organization, the church, or your family, which is highly unlikely, that lesson is positive.

Don’t be afraid to find out what happens if you don’t make it happen! Sometimes, just as Jesus told Martha when she complained to him about having to “make it happen”, He tells us to choose “the better part” of sitting at His feet and leaving the “happen” in His and others’ hands –Lk. 10:38-42.

What To Do When the Chips Are Down

Pick them up!

Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes we make them go wrong by “blowing it”—either through neglect, making a mistake, or through lack of good character (aka sin).

What do we do when that happens? Some natural responses include:

~Get angry—at others and/or ourselves— chew out those we blame and/or beat ourselves up

~Give up—call it quits when things drop, don’t work, or fall apart

~Pout – show our displeasure non-verbally, cut off communication, etc.

~Soak in self-pity—“Nothing ever works for me. I always fail. Nothing ever works right in my life.”

~Go into denial mode—“Problem? I don’t see any issue(s) here.”

Do you see yourself in any of these? I do (perhaps all of them at one time or another!).

If so, it’s time to ask ourselves a good coaching question—“How well does/has this work(ed) for you?” My guess, speaking from experience, is, not very well.

Thankfully we have better alternatives. Any and all of these work quite well:

1. Don’t leave things in a state of difficulties, danger, disappointment, or disarray. “Oops” happens to all of us— whether by us or by others, those “oops”es, by definition, are things we didn’t plan on, don’t want, and have adverse effects.

But how long those effects last is up to us. We can leave the “chips” down and continue to suffer the consequences. We can even make a worse mess by kicking them (and others and ourselves) around. Or, we can immediately begin clean up, course correction, and cooperation to mitigate the problem. If we choose the final option, we can even come out ahead, having learned from the “oops”.

“…forgetting what lies behind…I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 3:12-14

2. We can’t control circumstances or other people’s actions, but we can control our interpretation and response. That is, we don’t have to get or stay down with the difficulties. Even when we’re not responsible, we’re always response-ABLE!

Responding instead of reacting doesn’t come naturally. It’s counter-intuitive. With sudden and major stress causing adrenaline to “hijack” our brains and push us into fight or flight mode, we can’t think straight. Somehow we have to regain our ability to sort things out using reason, vs. panic, attacking back, etc.

The question is “how”? Training, training, and more training. To take enough time, through deep breathing, prayer, anything that separates us from the “trigger” situation long enough to bring ourselves into “thinking” mode. Then, with the Lord’s help and wisdom, we can respond in productive ways vs. reacting in ways that make things worse.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

3. Make the best of what we have. Yeah, some of the “chips” may be dirty and/or broken now, but we can still create good from them—just like Japanese kintsugi— the art of putting shattered pottery pieces back together by reattaching them with gold. This makes the latter product even more beautiful than it was before.

A recent example happened when we were on vacation last week (first time overseas in over 10 years). The taxi took us from the airport to what I knew wasn’t the right hotel. But in fact, our names were on the reservation list there according to the receptionist. Then I realized—when I’d booked online a few months earlier, there were two hotels with the same name. I’d meant to reject one because it was too far from the sights we wanted to see, and the other was clearly better quality as well as closer, for not much more cost. But when it came time to confirm on the site, I accidentally confirmed the wrong one, and didn’t realize until after we got there! Too late. I’d definitely “dropped the ball” and some chips! After apologizing profusely to my husband, he told me it was ok, not to worry about it. That helped me get out of my default “beat myself up” mode, and think about making the best of it.

The next day we took the 3km trek to the sights/area we wanted to go to, and saw some cool cultural stuff along the way. Plus, where we stayed was a closer walk back to a beautiful rooftop restaurant a couple of second cousins wanted to meet us at! And, we got heaps of great exercise through all that! A real experiential “kintsugi”! By looking for how to make the best of things, we found and enjoyed the ways.

Remembering that the Lord makes the best of things (now or later) always helps us get that perspective—

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Rom. 8:28

4. It’s best to get to those “chips” before someone else does. Be proactive about solving our troubles. Others either can’t, won’t, or may even capitalize on them. For example, our sweet golden retriever will pick up chips when someone drops them, but if they’re edible, he’s not giving them back!

Great leaders know how to pick up “chips”, no matter how they dropped or who dropped them.

So pick up those “chips”– learn, grow, create something better, keep moving forward, and bring others with you!

How to Be Understood By Those Who Matter

Lately I’ve been hearing often from people who tell me “he/she/they don’t understand!”  That’s frustrating!  Sometimes it’s their husband or wife.  Or their kids.  Or their parents.  Or even a co-worker.

Always, it’s someone who matters.  We need these people to understand us.  If they don’t, it makes us feel bad (or worse), and can mess up our current and even future well-being. 

For ex., “My husband doesn’t understand why he needs to help me with the housework!  I’m exhausted taking care of these two little ones at home every day and on top of that, we’re expecting another baby!”

Or—“My parents don’t understand why I chose this career.  They want me to be ‘successful’ and make a lot of money.  But I just want to help people!”

Or—“My teenage daughter doesn’t understand why we’re telling her she has to be in by 10pm.  She just rolls her eyes and says, “but mom/dad—all my friends stay out later!  Don’t you trust me?!”

Or— My direct report still doesn’t get it that he/she needs to actually REPORT to me what they’ve done each week!

Or— I can’t get through to my boss that I’m doing the best I can, working 12 hours a day, and only have so much bandwidth.  Besides, don’t they understand that everyone needs to sleep and eat sometimes too?!

Or—“My co-worker is so lazy!  When I try to tell him he needs to take more responsibility, he doesn’t understand why or what he should do. So he does nothing, and I have to do his job for him!”

Maybe we see ourselves in these scenarios.  Or ones like them.  The lack of understanding hurts us.  

Somehow, we have to make these people understand!  But how? How can we get through to them without putting them off, offending them, crushing them, or damaging the relationship?

Here’s some ways that work:

• Speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) – Often lack of understanding happens because:

1) We’re being so careful we end up “beating around the bush” and that “bush” blocks the real message from coming through; and/or

2) The person we’re talking to senses our lack of love and either tunes or blocks us out to protect themselves. 

— We solve this by speaking directly, truthfully, and lovingly, so the other person/s can receive the message without confusion or fear.

• Be clear—not vague— Lack of clarity makes our hearer feel like they’re trying to distinguish objects through a translucent window. If we want people to understand us, we have to avoid using jargon, confusing terminology, “million-dollar” vocabulary, etc.

• Be honest— Most people can tell if you’re sincere or not.  We don’t like it when others are either hiding the truth or faking it, and they don’t like it in us.  Faking comes from either trying to shirk responsibility, dodge the blame, or impress someone.  That’s why no one likes it in others, even though we sometimes do it ourselves!

Admit, own the issue, be who we really are, and don’t cover up.  That way we won’t be presenting a clouded, puffed-up, or distorted image.  And others will be more willing and able to understand us when they see the real deal.

• Talk to the other person/s when they’re receptive – Not when they’re tired, hungry, upset, or distracted.  For ex., if your mate just had a bad day and hasn’t even had dinner yet, this is not the time to bring up a possible visit from in-laws!

• Bring them with you, step by step—We know where we’re going, but they don’t. We don’t want to lose them along the way. So, to keep them with us, we need to take them by the hand and guide them through the “forest” of our thinking.

• Seek first to understand – People are more willing to tune in and give us a hearing when they know how much we care about and understand them.  With the barriers removed, they’ll concentrate and receive our real, intended, message a lot better.

• Be patient— Keep working at it, calmly, supportively, until they “get it”.  Remember that we’ve been thinking about what’s on our minds for a while, but they haven’t started thinking about it until we say it.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Eph. 4:2

If you don’t understand something I’ve written here, let me know!  Meanwhile, try these understanding-builders.  They’ve worked well for me when I’ve remembered to practice them.  Let me know how they work for you!