True Loyalty

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” Mat. 6:24

Many years ago, a few months after we got our dog Zoey, the Lord surprised us by calling us back overseas to teach for the three-month fall semester, at the university we’d taught at before. We’d returned to seminary for me to complete my required DMin. courses in residence, and at this point, I only needed to write my dissertation. With our older son in college, homeschooling our younger son, and husband between jobs, we were free to go back. Except for Zoey.

After all, Zoey had come to us in such a miraculous way, had been our constant companion, and we loved and enjoyed her so much. Sure, in many ways it would be great to go back to that university and serve there again, even for that short while. It would put a squeeze on the dissertation that was due by early spring, but I knew He’d enable me, since He called me.

Zoey was a different matter. What would happen to her while we were gone? Who could keep her? Would she, in her doggy way, be hurt and resent our leaving her and “dumping her off” on someone else? Or, equally sad and disturbing, would she adjust so well that she’d forget us and/or we wouldn’t matter to her anymore?

Our heavenly Father’s calling rang loud and clear to us, though, so we heeded it and returned overseas to that university at the request of their president. The logistics weren’t easy— finding someone to housesit our humble trailer while we were gone, preparations, and getting someone to keep a big golden retriever for 3 months and then have to give her back! And what about airfare? He took care of all that, and off we went, leaving Zoey in the care of a loving family who had their own female yellow lab and wanted to see what it was like to have two dogs. Not only that, they lived in a large home with a large yard, a doggie door, and three kids, one our son’s age.

For a dog, who could ask for more? Palatial accommodations, room to roam, friends, energetic kids to play with, human “parents” with time and resources to take her on all kinds of adventures, freedom to go out and in at will, the works!

For us, that was the problem. We and what we had to offer could hardly compare. Would she willingly return to us from “heaven on earth” when we returned after three months overseas? Would she leave all that comfort and fun behind without feeling forced to?

She did! As soon as we entered our friends’ house to pick her up, she came bounding up to us, so excited and happy to see us, you’d have thought we’d brought her gifts! All we’d brought were ourselves—three members of a human family who loved her. She also gladly accompanied us back to our humble home—no backing away, no moping around depressed. Just enjoying our company again, as if we’d never had to leave.

That’s true loyalty. We humans can learn a lot from most canines in this area. How loyal are we to our family, friends, and heavenly Father? How about churches, groups, companies, etc., as long as they don’t go against our highest loyalty to our Father? We’ll know when we’re tested by someone or somewhere else offering: More creature comfort; more fun; more freedom; more abundance; more of whatever we want. Or perhaps what just appears to be so.

But in the end, disloyalty never brings satisfaction or contentment because we’ll always have a reason to leave. Only true loyalty, first to our Father and then to those He calls us to, can bring contentment, the kind that comes when we’re not prone to wander.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” Prov. 17:17

But those who, like Zoey, remain loyal, will bless themselves, even as they bless those they’re loyal to. “…godliness, with contentment, is great gain.” 1 Tim. 6:6

Thankfully, we have our heavenly Father to help us with this, who Himself demonstrates true loyalty– “…if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” 2 Tim. 2:13

The High Cost of Miscommunication

“Ka-buck, ka-buck, ka-buck…”, our car complained and lurched as my husband tried to accelerate and couldn’t.  “Hey, I’ve got my foot to the floor on the accelerator and it won’t speed up!”, he exclaimed.  “Maybe it’s just cold.  It’s freezing out here.”, I replied, offering my “vast” mechanical expertise.  The next day my husband brought the car into Goodyear and left it with real experts for analysis.  The verdict—two sensors weren’t communicating properly with each other, causing the engine light to go on and the automatic gear shift and accelerator to malfunction.   In order to fix the problem, they would have to replace the two errant, miscommunicating, sensors with new ones that would send and receive each other’s messages in an accurate and timely manner.  Cost to us to get our car functioning properly again– $500.

We paid it.  We need our car.  I’d prefer a much-less-expensive inspiration for a blog post!  But the sensor analogy serves us well.

How do our “sensors” sabotage communication?  On the sending end, we may:  Shriek out harsh, angry, signals that scare the receiver away; Emit garbled and unclear messages that are difficult to interpret accurately; Produce offensive sounds that cause the receiver to shut us out; Drone incessantly to the point where the receiver misses the relevant information because they’ve tuned out; Be rendered incapable of sending any messages due to breakage; Refuse to send messages, considering it a waste of time and effort.

On the receiving end, we may:  Retreat out of range to protect ourselves from a perceived threat; Misinterpret the message, either because it wasn’t clearly communicated or because of faulty “wiring” (thinking) in our sensor; Deliberately shut out anything we consider offensive; Passively tune out due to lack of interest; Be unable to hear the message due to louder sounds drowning it out; Turn off our receptor, considering receptivity a waste of time and effort.

Either way, communication hasn’t really taken place.  Talking has, at various levels of volume.  Hearing has, in the sense of sound waves entering the ear canal.  But real communication requires transmitted messages to be received, understood, and remembered.  Otherwise, it’s just “in one ear and out the other”, as my sweet mother-in-love often jokes about the way her kids “paid attention” to her when they were growing up!

As with vehicles, lack of true communication causes breakdowns and costs a lot to repair.  Relationships and life together don’t run smoothly anymore.  People who continually misunderstand, or don’t listen or talk to each other, eventually give up.  It takes too much effort for too little reward to maintain the friendship, the marriage, the parent-child or sibling relationship, the effective team cooperation at work, etc.

How can we reverse the downward spiral and repair these relationships?  How can we get our “sensors” to transmit and receive messages clearly and accurately to enable relationships to hum happily along and move forward again?

For now, so as not to overload your reading sensors with too much information at once, I’ll just list the diagnostic, repair and maintenance tools to use.  My (Julie) next post will unpack each of these points):

First, begin with mutual respect. Second, engage in active listening. Third, check and see if any prejudice filters exist that could distort our interpretation.  Fourth, don’t project someone from our past onto the person we’re with now.  Fifth, make our messages as clear and undistorted as possible.  Sixth, when receiving a message, ask clarification questions if you’re not sure what the sender meant.  Seventh, be gentle and approachable.

Finally, recognize that we often get it wrong when it comes to communication, both sending and receiving.  Acknowledge when that happens and apologize for any distress caused by that. We need feel no shame in admitting our responsibility for a broken connection.  (James 5:16)

Yes, repairing damaged relationships due to communication breakdowns can cost a huge amount of time and effort, but it sure beats losing them.  Like repairing our car beats having to buy a new one.  If our vehicles matter this much to us, how much more should our relationships, which are worth too much to forfeit! (Prov. 17:17)