Remember the Next Morning

Remember the next morning before you do or say anything now!

My senior year of high school I had the blessing of spending over eleven months in rural Finland as an exchange student. During that time a popular public-service announcement would appear frequently on TV, in which a big, strong, guy would declare in resonant bass tones in Finnish, “Remember the next morning!” Everyone watching and/or hearing understood that he was warning people to not drink too much alcohol, whether at social gatherings or by themselves, because the accompanying consequences would certainly manifest before long.

Many years have passed, but I’ve never forgotten the warning—not because I’ve ever gotten drunk or anywhere near it, but because it’s a great reminder to consider the implications and consequences of what we’re about to do or say. For example:

1. An angry outburst or retort—We all get triggered. People “push our buttons”. It’s really hard to not just react accordingly. But here’s what can happen if we do—We get fired; people lose respect for us; we get blamed for the trouble that’s caused; we get fined and/or kicked out (think of coaches and players); we get heart and stomach trouble; etc. What we don’t get is our desired result.

“’But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.’” Mat. 5:22

How do we avoid this? Whole books have been written on this subject of anger-management, but for here we can start with mindset and attitude—how we view other people leads to how we interpret their words and responses toward us. Also, what we prioritize. If we consider our health, reputation, and relationships more important than venting, that will help us hold back from angry outbursts and retorts. That’s good sense.

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Prov. 19:11

2. Giving in to carnal temptation—to indulge in substance abuse, cheat on our life-partner, overeat or eat that harmful food,  be lazy, etc. Temptation, by nature, means something hard to resist because it appeals to our nature. But here’s what can happen if we give in—stupid behavior; accidents (that could be fatal); broken relationships and family; shame; poor health and possible hospitalization, even death; poor performance ratings; being let go.

To avoid this, ask ourselves, “Is it worth whatever we’re about to give into?”  We can also enlist the Lord’s help, as well as others, to help us not give in. They’ll give us the support and accountability we need to withstand temptation. Even knowing He will give us a better way, a way out, gives us the spiritual and psychological strength to resist those urges.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so you can endure it.” 1 Cor. 10:13

3. Information sharing—aka gossip, slander, sabotaging others because we don’t like them, are jealous of them, and/or want to get ahead. At first it can feel so good and even produce desired outcomes. But in reality, it’s a boomerang, coming back on the head of whoever shares incriminating information. If we do this, it makes others not trust us, not want to work with us, want to get back at us, etc. In other words, we make a lot of enemies that way. Those people will then avoid us, refuse to cooperate with us, block us from getting promoted, complain about us to leaders, and perhaps take revenge on us. Not the way to make friends, influence people, achieve professional goals, or have a pleasant life!

We avoid all this strife and enmity by not spreading rumors. This doesn’t mean covering up evil when it needs to be brought to light. It does mean keeping things confidential for the right reasons, for the sake of good relationships.

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Prov. 11:13

It also helps to remember that when we slander/gossip, we’re breaking God’s law—and He’s the Judge!

“You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the Lord.” Lev. 19:16

Add to this list as you realize other cause and effect implications adversely affecting your life. Then stop, think, and remember the next morning—the “harvest” of what we did or said earlier.

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” Gal. 6:7-8

How to Control Our Anger Before It Controls Us

We assume this means an explosive expression of physical violence or verbal volcanic outburst. But what about angry withdrawal– fuming, muttering under one’s breath, even silently stalking off—all with the same attitude of “I’ve had it with his/her…!”?

Either way, anger has gained control, and we’ve lost it.  Either way, our intent has become to punish the object of our anger.  Either way, anger has succeeded in breaking the relationship for as long as it remains in control.

That’s why Psalm 4:4, quoted in Eph. 4:26, says:

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.”

In other words—Don’t let anger become our “driver”, or we’ll find ourselves on a bumpy road, ending up at a terrible destination!  That destination could even be “fatal”—the end of a relationship, job, career, reputation, even a life!

Would you get into a car driven by a known terrorist?  Of course not!  Yet that’s exactly what we’re doing with our lives, relationships, and reputations when we let anger control, or “drive” our thoughts, attitudes, and actions.

How can we avoid this and either keep or take back control?

First—recognize the source:  Sinful anger springs up from three “wells” – hurt, fear, and frustration. We can’t help getting hurt, afraid, or frustrated, but we can decide how to deal with each of them.  Just knowing where the anger is coming from helps us to process it.  Otherwise, we’ll be compelled to react—by lashing out, “defending” ourselves, rejecting, snubbing, insulting, giving “tit for tat”, etc.

Second—close the door and keep it closed: 

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” Eph. 4:26b-27

This doesn’t mean deny our feelings as soon as you see dusk settling.  This means don’t hold onto our anger and let it “marinate” and build until it gets stronger and more potent! 

In Bible times, the sun setting meant “time to go to bed and sleep”.  Therefore, don’t let the day end without dealing with the issue— hopefully resolving it with the other person(s)—but if they’re not willing, at least resolving in our own heart and mind to not hold a grudge. 

Otherwise, the devil gets a foothold—into our emotions, thought-life, and the relationship.  Picture one of those annoying, persistent, door-to-door salespeople.  In the old days, they used to come carrying their product.  Now they’re more subtle—they know if a homeowner sees them schlepping a vacuum cleaner or bag full of brushes, they’re going to lock the door and disappear!  So they knock and offer to do or give something for you—so you’ll appear and open the door, even slightly.

The devil is like that—he “offers” to “help” by giving us fuel for anger and retribution! He makes it sound reasonable, productive, and beneficial. 

But it’s false advertising!  Don’t open the door—not even a crack—or he’ll get a foothold!  Like a salesperson who sticks their foot in the door so we can’t shut it!

Now imagine that “salesperson” is actually a robber—once he gets a foothold, he’ll forcibly enter and take over the house!  The devil is that robber, who has come to “steal, kill, and destroy” (Jn. 10:10).  Who wants that to happen? 

Third—harness your emotions: 

We have a very strong, male, golden retriever.  He’s sweet, loving, and adorable.  But he’s also very determined to direct whoever’s walking him, to where HE wants to go!  Without a harness on, anyone can see that HE’S WALKING (OR RUNNING) THE PERSON instead of the other way around!  Who’s the master here?? 🙂

Unlike a sweet golden retriever, anger (even righteous anger, against injustice) turns ugly, with self-defeating results, when it takes control.

Thankfully, we have a way to harness our emotions before they turn into destructive anger—the Holy Spirit!  The more we give Him control of our thoughts and feelings, the more He harnesses and directs them to positive, peaceful, and productive paths. 

“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”  Rom. 8:6

Let the Lord control the anger and drive you.  You’ll enjoy the ride a lot more!

The Power of Gentle Words

It’s so easy for our own selfishness and pride to get in the way of someone else’s selfishness and pride, and when they cross, it produces friction. Especially when both refuse to budge.

In relational “science”, we could call this the “First Law of Conversation Dynamics”– For every reaction, there is an equal and ‘opposite’ (matching) reaction.  In other words, you slap my face, I slap yours. You scream at me, I scream back at you. You criticize me, I criticize you back. “Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth”– until there’s too many blind and toothless people running around, gumming jello for dinner!

Harsh words stir up anger because they feel like a figurative punch in the gut, making anyone naturally want to return the “favor”.  We’re all wired to reciprocate.

But what if, instead of reacting in kind, we respond kindly? What if, instead of adding fuel to the flames of an argument, we douse it?

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible– truly preventive medicine against division and broken relationships!

Imagine someone coming to us madder than a hornet for who-knows-what.  What if, after they let loose with a wrathful stream of verbiage at us, we gently, soothingly, respond with– “Oh, I’m sorry.”; or “I hear you. I’d feel the same way.”; or “I totally understand”; or something similar in spirit and intent?

That wrath is really someone’s way of trying to be heard, to be cared about, to be understood. Once we gently assure them they’ve accomplished their purpose, they have no more use for their wrath.

So it gets “turned away”– like a barking, growling, snarling, Doberman, whose master tells him “Hush up and sit down. This person is safe.” Or a charging rhino that calms down and turns off to the side.

We can reverse the natural “law” of “conversation dynamics” by applying the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit– to produce a reaction opposite to what it would have been otherwise. 

While in college, as a young believer, I participated in a one-month Discipleship Training Camp.  Think of it as a Bible Study on steroids—designed for intensive, microwave-style spiritual growth.  It was truly awesome! 

One of our leaders taught us about “coming in the opposite spirit”.  That is, doing (or saying) unto others the exact opposite of something mean and nasty they’d just done/said to us!  Since it’s so unnatural, this doesn’t come easily to any of us.  Ask any parent who deals with two crying, upset kids, each saying “But he/she hit me first!”

Workplace turmoil, people quitting, church splits, lawsuits, divorces, even crimes, all derive from our natural inability to come in the opposite spirit.  Yes, it’s hard to respond kindly to someone who’s just hurt us.  And who wants to give a gentle answer to someone who’s just hurled a bunch of insults or even curses at us? 

But emotionally and spiritually mature people use gentle words.  True leaders answer gently.  Notice the word “true” here.  Some people mistakenly believe that leadership means barking orders, intimidating people into submission, and being short, blunt, and “brutally honest” with others.

That’s not leadership.  That’s pushiness and rude behavior.  He/she who shouts loudest may seem to win the argument, but only because others can’t be heard! 

Bosses, team-leaders, parents, and leader-hopefuls—don’t confuse outward submission and acquiescence with respect.  Your followers and direct-reports aren’t following you with their hearts. 

Ok, so what if we’re the one dealing with one of those browbeating, blunt, and brutal bosses, team-leaders, or parents?  What if that angry, “charging rhino”, is them, accusing us of all kinds of stuff and berating not only our performance but us as a person?

Here’s where we can be the mature person, the “adult in the room.”  How? Some helpful ways include:

1. Change our attitude about that person—instead of viewing them as “the adversary”, “the monster”, “the jerk”, or worse, view them as “potential friend”, “potential ally”, “person in need of help”, etc.

2. Seek to understand where they’re coming from.  Understanding brings patience.  This is where “look past the fault and see the need” comes in.  Consider their family background, what they’ve been through in the past, how they themselves have been treated before, their fears, and anything else that could have led to their current diatribe and behavior. 

3.  Along with that, consider their current situation.  Often, we won’t know this unless we ask.  We can ask things like:  “How’s your day been so far?”  “What happened?”  “What’s wrong?  Tell me about it.”  Just make sure, especially with that last question, that your tone is sincerely kind and gentle, so they don’t think you’re sarcastic or accusing!

4. Consider anything we may have done that caused or contributed to this person’s anger.  If something comes to mind, apologize and offer to rectify the mistake or hurt.

5. Offer to help.  This means first deciding we really want to.  That puts us on their side, and they’ll recognize our sincerity in that.  When someone comes against us, start moving in the same direction with them!  It will surprise them for sure!  And they may be suspicious of our motives and authenticity.  But after we’ve sincerely positioned ourselves as their ally long enough, they’ll realize we’re really FOR and not against them.  And they’ll soften up.

6. In all of these, #1-5, enlist the help of the Holy Spirit—He’s the One Who changes our hearts, minds, perspectives, and attitudes when we can’t do any of that naturally.

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23

The best part of all this?  When we do answer gently and respond kindly, think of the result– people who can still see, eat with all their teeth, and enjoy better relationships!

3 Ways to Control Our Anger

Have you ever been in a situation where your anger controlled you instead of you controlling your anger?

We assume this means an explosive expression of physical violence or verbal volcanic outburst. But what about angry withdrawal– fuming, muttering under one’s breath, even silently stalking off—all with the same attitude of “I’ve had it with his/her…!”?

Either way, anger has gained control, and we’ve lost it.  Either way, our intent has become to punish the object of our anger.  Either way, anger has succeeded in breaking the relationship for as long as it remains in control.

That’s why Psalm 4:4, quoted in Eph. 4:26, says:

       “Don’t sin by letting anger control you.”

In other words—Don’t let anger become our “driver”, or we’ll find ourselves on a bumpy road, ending up at a terrible destination!  That destination could even be “fatal”—the end of a relationship, job, career, reputation, even a life!

Would you get into a car driven by a known terrorist?  Of course not!  Yet that’s exactly what we’re doing with our lives, relationships, and reputations when we let anger control, or “drive” our thoughts, attitudes, and actions.

How can we avoid this and either keep or take back control?

First—recognize the source:  Sinful anger springs up from three “wells” – hurt, fear, and frustration. We can’t help getting hurt, afraid, or frustrated, but we can decide how to deal with each of them.  Just knowing where the anger is coming from helps us to process it.  Otherwise, we’ll be compelled to react—by lashing out, “defending” ourselves, rejecting, snubbing, insulting, giving “tit for tat”, etc.

Second—close the door and keep it closed:

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” Eph. 4:26b-27

This doesn’t mean deny our feelings as soon as you see dusk settling.  This means don’t hold onto our anger and let it “marinate” and build until it gets stronger and more potent!

In Bible times, the sun setting meant “time to go to bed and sleep”.  Therefore, don’t let the day end without dealing with the issue— hopefully resolving it with the other person(s)—but if they’re not willing, at least resolving in our own heart and mind to not hold a grudge.

Otherwise, the devil gets a foothold—into our emotions, thought-life, and the relationship.  Picture one of those annoying, persistent, door-to-door salespeople.  In the old days, they used to come carrying their product.  Now they’re more subtle—they know if a homeowner sees them schlepping a vacuum cleaner or bag full of brushes, they’re going to lock the door and disappear!  So they knock and offer to do or give something for you—so you’ll appear and open the door, even slightly.

The devil is like that—he “offers” to “help” by giving us fuel for anger and retribution! He makes it sound reasonable, productive, and beneficial.

But it’s false advertising!  Don’t open the door—not even a crack—or he’ll get a foothold!  Like a salesperson who sticks their foot in the door so we can’t shut it!

Now imagine that “salesperson” is actually a robber—once he gets a foothold, he’ll forcibly enter and take over the house!  The devil is that robber, who has come to “steal, kill, and destroy” (Jn. 10:10).  Who wants that to happen?

Third—harness your emotions:

We have a very strong, male, golden retriever.  He’s sweet, loving, and adorable.  But he’s also very determined to direct whoever’s walking him, to where HE wants to go!  Without a harness on, anyone can see that HE’S WALKING (OR RUNNING) THE PERSON instead of the other way around!  Who’s the master here?? 🙂

Unlike a sweet golden retriever, anger (even righteous anger, against injustice) turns ugly, with self-defeating results, when it takes control.

Thankfully, we have a way to harness our emotions before they turn into destructive anger—the Holy Spirit!  The more we give Him control of our thoughts and feelings, the more He harnesses and directs them to positive, peaceful, and productive paths.

“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”  Rom. 8:6

Let the Lord control the anger and drive you.  You’ll enjoy the ride a lot more!